What am I to do?

I want to work. Yes, I know that being a mom and taking care of the house is work. But I want to contribute to the family financially. But, alas, it seems that being a Mom is all I can do at the moment!

Both of my kids are classified as special needs. Orion has ADHD and PDD. Kieriana has PDD and is bipolar (yes, a 6 yr old with bipolar). Orion's reached the age where special ed is no longer needed. He does fine in a "regular" class. Keiriana on the other hand seriously needs special ed. Academically she's fine. It's just that she doesn't do well when emotional.

Every week I'm called to the school once or twice. And on days like today I have to bring my kids home early (yes, today it was for both of them...a double whammy). With such an unpredictable schedule there is no way I can hold down a job. I would get fired before completing my first month.

I was going to start a reiki business. That's on hold because I can't guarantee that I'll be able to see a client.

I was going to work from home as a comic book artist but turned that down because of how much attention the kids need.

Kieriana was even kicked out of the boys and girls club because of her difficulties (I'm sorry but we can't have your daughter in our program anymore. We're just not equipped to handle her.) Orion hated being there so I dis-enrolled him too.

I am so stressed. I want to be able to take care of my kids. I love them and I'm doing everything i can for them. But we need the extra income.

Oh...and don't forget that I've stopped studying for HHP since we can't afford it. And I was offered a job and had to turn that down too. Damn it!

...

I've been so blah lately. I don't want to do anything. I'm pretty sure I'm going into a depression. I'm just so down. I think my problem is that I think too much. And it seems as though everything in my life is falling apart around me.

I keep on making plans for things. Always with the plans and the lists. I want to do too much. That's the problem. I've tried cutting things down a bit. Like the animation thing. I really wanted to do it...or a comic. But either way I can't. i feel down about that. Then there's the HHP thing. And my art...

I haven't studied. I haven't drawn. I did finally make the kids their garb...but both outfits came out crappy. I just want to curl into a little ball and not exist. But alas I have responsibilities that need to be taken care of.

I think after the birthday party that Kieriana's going to I'll draw. That always puts me in a good mood.

Figured it out

I figured out how to keep myself sane. Yesterday I was so depressed after my post. I realized just how overwhelming everything can be. I tried to figure out how to get everything I want and need to do into one day and it's just not feasible. Then today I had an "ah ha" moment.

Instead of trying to do everything in one day, I can designate one day a week to each thing, with some other things thrown in. I mean, there's not enough time in one day but there is enough time in one week.

Monday:
Cleaning day. This is when the bulk of the week's cleaning will be. Mostly laundry which seems to pile up. To keep from getting burned out by it I'll do the cleaning in 15 min. increments. The time where I'm not cleaning I can set up things for Reiki or art.

Tuesday:
Art day I. I can work on my artwork all day. Since the kids are at school till 2:20 that will give me plenty of time to work on it. Plus, I can do some light cleaning in the morning to keep up with everything. Figure if I start working on my artwork at about 10 am, then I'll have 4 hours to draw.

Wednesday:
Free day. Because the kids will always have a half day on Wednesdays I can have it as a free day. Maybe do something fun with the kiddies. Again, some light cleaning while they're at school and maybe a bit of either art or studying between cleaning and the kids getting home. A good day for projects.

Thursday:
Study day. Once again, light cleaning in the morning. Then 4 hours of studying. it's not much but it's better than nothing.

Friday:
Catch up. If I have a commission to do then I'll work on my art. If I don't then I'll study. Cleaning too.

Weekends:
Have fun.

What to do?

I'm so stressed. I have a ton of stuff I need to do on a regular basis and about 20% of it is actually getting done. On top of that money is tight. I need to work. Unfortunately I can't necessarily do that. The kids aren't in school full time yet. When they are they'll be in school from 7:30 to 2:10 Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and from 7:30 to 12:10 on Wednesday. I had put them in the Boys and Girls club which runs from the end of school until 6 pm. But no. Kieriana got kicked out because of her temper and Orion today started crying that he didn't want to go anymore because he hates it there.

So if I were to work someplace really close it would have to be from 7:45 till 1:50 with the exception of Wednesdays. No one would give me a job for 6 hours 4 days a week.

I would love to be a full time reiki practitioner. I have a reiki table and sheets for it. I could do reiki on people in their homes while the kids are in school. Before I can do that I would need to get a business license and find clients. I have a plan for that. There are places where I can advertise. i can also volunteer through the San Diego Reiki Corps at a local hospital as well. That could potentially bring in clients.

My plan is that while I'm studying to be a holistic health practitioner I can have a mobile reiki business. Then add HHP to it and then study to be a master herbalist. After that I can study to be a nutritional consultant. Create my own holistic wellness business, still going to people's homes. Eventually I would like to open up a clinic.

I have a few friends who may be able to watch the kids if I can't be here for them due to a session I need to do. So that's worked out. I would pay them $20 to watch the kids (I'm going to charge $65 an hour). So some of what I get will go to them, some to gas, and the rest to be saved or to go towards bills.

On top of this I would like to start working on my artwork again. I have 3 people who are interested in commissions. One of which I need to have done next month. The other two are saving up for theirs. I also need to rebuild my portfolio. I changed my art name and have almost nothing under the new name. I could keep it as it was, J. L. Cochran (which sounds more like an author than an artist) or just go with Jayelle Cochran which is more artsy.

So, there are 4 things I HAVE to start doing regularly:

1. Clean
2. Study for HHP
3. Work on artwork
4. Get reiki business up and running.

On top of this I have:

5. Work on RIFTS campaign (easy, can be done here and there)
6. Create drawings for the project (will be either an animated web series or a web comic...not sure which yet)
7. Sew garb for the kids (needs to be done before Saturday)
8. Work out

I also need to have time to do certain things. Like take care of the kids (can never be put off after all), have a social life of some sort (I'm fine with hanging with friends once or twice a week), and find some time just for relaxing (which I do for an hour or two after the kids go to bed).

I need to start doing all of this asap. I just look at my lists and I get all overwhelmed. In the end I wind up doing some cleaning and maybe some research and that's it. For example, I've had the material for the garb for 2 months now. Not a single stitch sewn.

*sigh* I need to set a schedule but the only problem is that whenever I do that nothing goes according to plan.

ARG!!!

No motivation

I have no motivation lately. I didn't realize it at first because I felt I was pretty busy. Today, however, I had some time for reflection. I'm busy, but I'm busy planning things. Not doing them. There is a bunch of stuff that I need to take care of that I just haven't done. I'll mess around on the computer, clean, or play Skyrim. But everything else sort of falls away.

1. I need to start on my HHP license. I'm paying for the courses. Might as well do them. I've been slacking on that for a few months.
2. I need to sew garb for Frankie, the kids, and myself. Every weekend I tell myself I'll do it and every weekend I don't. The next Ren event is on Saturday and while Frankie and I have some garb, the kids have none. I know they really want to dress like Medieval times. I've had the material since November.
3. A friend of mine has been asking for 2 years for a drawing from me. After the move I couldn't find my good charcoal and graphite pencils. I bought some more but haven't even begun to work on it.
4. I need to get my business license for the reiki practice I want to start. I also need to join the San Diego Reiki Corps and begin volunteering at a local hospital. Both of which will get me clients. I haven't done anything towards that. I also need to get my master attunement still.
5. I want to work on a web series with some friends. It's going to be animated. I need to work on the characters and figure them out. Unfortunately I haven't done anything about it except talk about it.
6. I need to start doing daily reiki sessions on myself, meditate at least once a week, and journey. I have been neglecting not only those but also haven't done anything spiritual since Samhain.
7. I need to sign Kieriana up for Girl Scouts. I did sign her and Orion up for Boys and Girls Club but she got kicked out. Girl Scouts might be a good idea. It's not expensive to do here. I just haven't called the woman I'm supposed to yet.

I can go on but those are the main things. I just have no motivation to get things done. It's not that I'm overwhelmed with all the stuff I have planned. I mean, I even found a way to fit it all in to my schedule. But every time I need to do something I find myself doing nothing. It's driving me mad!

Keeping up with it all

I'm constantly upset at the state of my home. It feels like I spend all day on the computer and do nothing around the house. I decided to change that. A little belated resolution. I'm going to work at keeping the house clean.

Each day I'm picking a task that needs to be done. Then I go an do it in 15 min. increments. For 15 min I clean, for 15 min I relax, repeat. It's amazing how much I'm able to do in just a few hours doing this. And unlike other times when i try to clean, I'm not getting burned out.

Today is laundry. We have a pile of clean laundry sitting on the floor of my bedroom. Plus a ton of stuff that plain old needs to be washed. I'm totally focusing on that and after 2 hours I'm almost done with it all (except for what needs to be washed...still working on that...)

I feel good. Like I'm accomplishing something. Go me!

Back I guess

So I started another journal because I don't really use the name AmethystRose (amethystrse) anymore. It's only on sites that I've been on for a decade like this one. But I realized that was a silly reason to switch journals so I'm back.

Life has been interesting. I put the kids back in school so I could work. I'm trying to build a business as a Reiki practitioner. I'm making myself very familiar with the laws and ways to protect myself legally.

Monday I'm going to start working on my holistic health practitioner license again. It should take about 2 years to do all of the coursework....unless I work really hard in which case it'll be less.

I'm starting a RIFTS game. I'm loving the creativity of creating a campaign. Coming up with a story and plot twists. Totally fun. I hope this group is better than the last group I played with. Probably so since they're all friends and not just people I found on meetup.com. lol Still, I want it to be a good campaign. Lets hope it is.

I also have to sew clothes for the kids and I for the Renaissance group we're in. I like to sew but I'm nervous for some reason. I don't know, maybe because there's so much else going on. I think I'll work on them next weekend. I don't have much planned for that weekend. Should be fine. Do Kieriana's dress first and then Orion's shirt. After that I can maybe make pants for him and work on my dress. I also need to finish Frankie's shirt...that I started YEARS ago! lol

Lots to do and not much time in the day. Or energy. I've been kind of tired lately.

Bad dreams

I keep on having these bad waking dreams. They're kind of like a day-nightmare (as opposed to a daydream). I have this terrible feeling something is going to happen to Frankie. I keep on envisioning him dying. Not so much how he dies, but what happens after. The guys in uniform showing up to the house, the kids and I trying to make ends meet, etc. After it's all done I get this high feeling of dread.

I don't want to lose him. But I'm afraid that he's not going to be here very much longer. I don't know what's going to happen or when. I'm hoping that it's just residual fear because he's deployable again.

I'm so shaken right now. What can I do?

Sick of being sick

I'm sick. I've had this upper respiratory thing going on for a week now. It started Wednesday with the sniffles. By Friday and Saturday it was so bad that I was basically useless. Sunday I just laid around. I could've done stuff but I was still feeling icky and sort of milking it. Yesterday I felt a bit better and by today all that's wrong is my coughing up junk. Otherwise I'm fine.

It's the same story every 3 or 4 months. I get sick and it lasts about 2 weeks, sometimes longer. About a year ago I was sick every month for a year and a half. I'm tired of it. I don't want to spend the next year sick again. It happens so often.

I know how to boost my immune system.

1. I need to quit smoking. This is the most important thing. I am positive that if I wasn't a smoker I would be either over this thing already or almost over it. I wouldn't still be coughing up huge blobs. It's always the cough that lasts the longest.

2. I need to eat healthier. I'm not talking about going raw vegan again, though I do want to one day do that. But healthier. Fewer processed foods. More whole foods. Not so much fast food. A healthy diet improves the immune system. Plus there are foods that are good to eat when you're sick (we all know OJ is great for that).

3. I want to practice Reiki on myself more. I should do it every day as part of my morning routine. It won't stop me from getting sick, but it'll make it harder for that to happen and I'll heal from illnesses quicker.

4. Vitamins. Yep, need those too. Though this is mostly a diet thing it deserves its own spot.

5. Exercise. Yeah that will help in an all around fashion. Not sure if P90X is the way to go though. It's a great program, just difficult to stick to. Maybe something a little less intense would be best.

First, I'm going to quit smoking. I NEED to!

Reiki

I've been practicing Reiki a lot. It turns out most of my friends here in San Diego could use a little healing help. I've also started doing distance healings on friends who live elsewhere. About once a week I do a distance healing for some friends.

whether I'm doing it in person or over a distance, I feel sooooo good after a healing. I feel calm and relaxed and whole. I can't explain it really, but those words come close.

What I need to do is to work some Reiki on myself. I haven't done a self healing in a while. I think I'm going to make it part of my morning routine. A way to get ready for the day. Reiki and a workout. What a way to start the day!