I've found a way to work and still be a SAHM. Basically, I'm face painting at children's parties and will also be doing festivals in the area (as soon as I can find out how to get a vendor spot and where the festivals are). This is a business that I've started. Apparently I'm pretty good too. lol The kids love it, the parents love it, and I'm having fun. I only work on the weekends but that's OK. It's extra income and helps us to breathe a little easier which is what I wanted.
I'm more spiritual...again. When I was in my early 20s I was always doing something metaphysical or talking about spiritual things with friends. After Orion was born we moved from San Diego and while I still had such discussions, it slowly dissipated. Eventually my spiritual side became a footnote. Only talked about once in a while. Lately that's been changing. I'll write more about that in another post.
Physically there have been some changes too. I'm getting myself healthier. I still have issues but I'm working on them. I'm quitting smoking and finding it oddly easier (though right now I kind of want one). I'm eating way healthier (and not going off the deep end like in the past...balanced meals). I feel good!
Mentally I'm going really well. I'm happier, but not in a crazy manic way. I just feel very content with my life. My past and all the horrors of it aren't affecting me. I've learned to move on, to accept what's happened, and to leave it in the past. I even feel love for my father again, something which I never thought would happen. I just don't hate or fear him anymore. I can't tell you how liberating that feels!
I also realized something the other day. All that talk about trying to become a certain way. The dreams I had of the woman I want to be. Well, those dreams have come true. I can't write everything on here. But I have become who I've wanted to be for so long. I love it. I feel so alive inside and I feel complete and whole. I've reached a point in my life where even when things don't go according to plan, I'm still me and still happy to be here.
Healing is a beautiful thing.