So...I'm back. It's been forever and a day since I wrote in here on a regular basis. My life has gone through immense changes, most of them for the better. Lately, I've been feeling the urge to blog and maybe share some of the new experiences I've had. *shrugs* At the very least I'll once again have an outlet for whatever is clogging up my mind. lol
Quite a lot has happened to me in the past...oh...however many years it's been since I was on here. Some major things....
1. Moved back to San Diego--my husband is stationed here again and I've reconnected with a lot of old friends. I've also made some new ones. :D YAY! I love this city and hate that we'll leave it some day.
2. I'm stable on medication--my mental health is no longer such an extreme issue. As a matter of fact, it's almost not an issue at all. With the exception of needing to take medication every day, it's almost like I'm not bipolar at all. I see my therapist twice a month and my psychiatrist once very 3 months. It's been about 5 years since I was last in the hospital. My alternate personalities have all integrated and in that sense my mind is whole once more. I've also healed from the abuse by my father and others. I no longer get flashbacks too.
3. I still have agoraphobia--but it's not as bad as it was. Yes, this is something that's lingering from the abuse in my past, but I'm coping well. I avoid malls and concerts but otherwise am OK around small crowds. This year I even went to Target on Memorial Day and survived unscathed. Improvements are being made.
4. The kids' diagnosis' have changed--Orion has been diagnosed with Aspergers and Kieriana has been diagnosed with childhood bipolar. The only things this has changed is that Orion is now able to get more services...though the school district fights us on those.
5. I've started playing the violin again--this is a new development and probably something you'll read about often. You know me and new things...I like to go on and on and on and...
6. I wrote another book--this one will be released in February (I hope!) and I'm doing it right this time. I have an editor (3 actually) and the design for the cover is amazing. Hopefully it will be far more up to par.
7. I'm a Reiki practitioner--as part of my healing process I've learned how to help others to heal. I do this using Reiki, Shamanism, and other spiritual practices. It's helped me in many ways and I can't help but love how I've been able to help my friends too.
8. I've lost 80 lbs!--yes, you read that right. I'm now a size 4/6 and weigh about 140 lbs. Back in 2008 I was a size 18 and 220 lbs. HUGE difference!
9. We have another dog--her name is Kate. I believe the last time I was on here we had just gotten Lia. So yeah, 2 dogs. hehe
10. I can't really think about a 10th thing that I would write about on here that's new....
Anyway, so yeah, I'm going to be around more. :D Get used to it kids! hehe
I want to do more for my body, mind, and soul. I've had a lot of spiritual and metaphysical events happen recently. I feel an strong urge to be more spiritual as a result. I want to meditate more, journey and speak with the spirits more, and do ritual more often. I want to cleanse my soul/spirit of any negative energy and influences. I want to eat pure food, not GMO or chemically processed junk. I want to exercise and keep my body fit and strong. And for my mind, relaxation and being around good friends.
I know it sounds like a lot but really it's not. I'm already eating mostly vegan/vegetarian. I'm about 60% raw vegan at the moment. I already meditate once in a while, I just feel I should do it more often.
What started this? Well for one my health has been in decline the more I eat unhealthy. I've found that when I'm raw a great deal of mental and physical health issues go right out the window. I've found that when I meditate often I'm calmer and more able to handle daily stress.
Also, recently I had a good look at my altar. It's so full of dust. I need to definitely take better care of my ritual tools and altar.
I just feel like I'm becoming complacent. I'm not really doing much with my own personal spirituality. I'm not eating the best (though I have been mostly raw for 2 weeks...but occasionally I'm having junk which defeats the purpose).
I feel like I'm walking down a path that is a little split. If I go one way I'll go down a road that will eventually lead to self-harm or suicide. If I go down the other way I'll find myself on a more healthy path where in the end I'll be happy, safe, and vibrant. Then there's the middle road which at any moment can branch off to one of the other two. Might as well choose the right one. :)
I feel silly. Really really silly. I'm freaking out over nothing. I want to do this comic as a hobby. Something that should be fun. Instead I'm driving myself crazy over the details when I don't need to. I just need to sit down and think, draw, write, doodle, whatever.
Yet here I am. I have my book beside me and my mini notebook infront of me. On the other side of the novel is my sketch pad opened to the last drawing I did of one of the characters. Yet I'm feeling like I'm losing my mind trying to figure out how to turn a novel I wrote into a web comic.
It's not as easy as it sounds. There are so many factors, such as how am I going to do this. I know what I need to do...I need to stop thinking so much.
I'm going to read the book chapter by chapter and write my thoughts as I read them. Then I'll worry about what will go where and how it'll be written. I just wish I didn't over think. How do other artists do it? I guess it's not as simple as it seems. But still...there's no need to freak out over it.
Get a hold of yourself woman!
OK so I'm feeling better than I did yesterday. I've been having issues lately with my kids and it's been really getting to me. I also have a lot of other stuff on my mind. Some of it I can go to my friends about. Some of it I feel like a fool because it's not something another person may find to be major. So I'm going to write about it on here. Trusty livejournal. Where all my issues can be aired out and help get them off of my chest.
Aside from the issues I'm having with the kids (and the fact that Orion may be sent to a residential treatment program in Reno) things are actually OK. I mean I'm depressed but that's because I'm burned out.
I have something I want to do really bad. I want to start a webcomic. I have the story line and the character outlines. My issue is that I'm not so good at drawing men and my women need some help too. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. It's silly, I know. But it's really bothering me.
I know I need more practice and that will help solve everything. But I'm so worried about the kids that instead of practicing drawing I'm driving myself crazy and doing anything but. Yet I know that drawing helps me to get passed issues as it's very theraputic. But not as much as one would hope.
I think today after I do some laundry and figure out exactly when Kieriana is going to school (I think her summer school starts on Monday) I'm going to sit down in the garage and just draw. I'm going to look up images of men on dreamstime or something and just draw them. Work at them until I am drawing the way I want to. Then I'm going to work from my head again.
I know I can do this. I just have to do it. Just do it...man that's easier said than done.
I have no interest in doing anything remotely productive. But, alas, my life is not my own and therefore I just concede to taking care of my children and my husband at the very least. I'm able to do that I just wish I could curl up into a little ball and stop existing. I need the vacation. My mind is a blubberous mass of chaos and I don't have the organizational skills to once again put order to it.
Enough of that. Seriously, I'm depressed, Very very depressed. It's all I can do to make sure the kids are clean and fed and taken to their appointments. I want to scream and yell and throw things. I want to tear apart everything. I won't, ofcourse. I mean that would just be childish. But man, right now it sounds good.
I guess I'll finish making dinner. Something both healthy and enjoyable. Not easy with my munchkins. But oh well. That's part of my life.
What I would like to do is to start drawing. I finally finished that drawing for my friend (pic on my facebook). Now I just need to take a better pic, one NOT taken with my cell phone under bad lighting, and post it on here and deviantart.
However, I don't seem to have the drive to draw. The desire is there, but only just barely.
I think tonight I'll go to bed early. Being awake just takes too much out of me.
Sorry I haven't been on here much guys. Life has been hectic. Started a business that I'm already thinking of closing (long story...maybe later). The kids are out of school and driving me NUTS. Lots of stuff. But today, I'm going to post about my art...because it's on my mind and it is 5 am....
Late last year I was given the opportunity to draw for a comic. I eventually declined because my drawing from my head is well...it leaves much to be desired. Then for a while, I couldn't draw anything. Well, maybe "couldn't" is a bit of a stretch. I just felt blocked and couldn't bring myself to even pick up a pencil.
Lately I've been drawing again. YAY! As usual, my drawings from photographs are great. My drawings from my head...not so much. I don't get it but whatever. I still want to do a comic. Maybe not the one I was going to do but one of my own instead.
I have it all figured out. The book I wrote years ago is going to be turned into a comic. Now all I need is to draw it. Simple, right? WRONG! I've gotten OK with drawing women. Not quite where I want to be yet, there's a lot that my drawing leaves to be desired. But OK to the point where I can see the potential. But my men? UGH!!! They look horrid!
I know, everyone says that it takes practice. I get that. I just don't understand how I could go from one extreme to the other with my artwork. It's as if I'm missing something fundamental that no one is able to tell me about. Really annoying at best.
Now that I got that little pitty party out of my system I think I'll go draw some men. *sigh*
This morning I did a shamanic journey to find help for dealing with all of this anxiety and stress. The answers I received showed me that this is something I have to learn how to handle. I have a reason for being so stressed out. I need to learn how to cope with such stress while not letting it rule my life.
I was told to utilize my inner strength and to practice being mindful of my thoughts, emotions, and actions. Take deep breaths when I start to get that high anxiety low tolerance feeling. It's easier said than done but I know I can do it.
Dealing with such intense emotions is something I don't deal with well. My children are the same way and it's why they have so many issues. If I can learn to control my behavior better, then I can take what I've learned to teach them how to handle theirs. Everything for a reason.
I talked with Kieriana this morning before she left for school and explained to her that I was stressed out and that's why I had been yelling so much. At her school they taught her how to use a coping word. When she starts freaking out someone says the word and she relaxes. It sort of snaps her out of it. Her word is "butterflies" and it's really been working. We decided mine will be "monkeys". Whenever I start to get agitated someone can say "monkeys" and it will remind me to get control of myself before I start turning into super bitch.
I can handle this. I've dealt with worse things than this. I can deal with this too.
I haven't posted in a while. At least it feels that way. The past few days I've been on edge. Just generally angry at everyone and anxious about everything. Then I realized, I'm also seriously craving chocolate. Geee....wonder what's coming....
I'm really nervous about this fair that I'm going to be face painting at on Saturday. I just want my booth to be perfect and it feels like everything is falling apart. I have a lot to do to prepare and I'm so overwhelmed that I feel like I'm going to explode. lol
I need to just relax. Everything will be fine. I'm getting myself all worked up for nothing. This happens every time I start trying to do something to make money. I reach a point where the dream I had is becoming a reality and I freak out. That inevitably leads to failure. I won't let that happen this time. I'm determined to get it right. Do it right. And just have fun with it. It doesn't have to be perfect. Just good.
I'm going to try to sleep. It's way too early/late to do much right now.
I a person's lifetime they can have many spiritual awakenings. They're points in your life where your spirituality takes a giant leap forward and you're left with a deeper understanding of yourself and the world around you.
In my life I've had many such awakenings. I've come to realize that they're all driving me to the same goal, though the true meaning of that goal is still hidden. I may not know where I'm going to end up, but I know it's a good place and that I'm being led there by a higher Divine power.
A lot of what I've experienced in my life--good and bad, spiritual and mundane--has led me to the point I'm at right now. The painful parts of my past has led me to have a deeper understanding of the amount of pain a person can go through. The beautiful and joyous parts of my life have led me to see how happy a person can be, and many ways to achieve that happiness. The illnesses I've experienced also give me a deeper understanding into what it's like to be sick and why while some people would give anything to get better, others would rather stay at least a little sick/injured a little while longer. ...The list goes on...
I've come to realize that for now at least my path is that of a healer. On one of my favorite shows a character said that a doctor should be shot or cut on so they know what their patients go through. While I don't think that something that drastic NEEDS to be done, I believe that the good and bad things that happened to me, and the healing I've undergone as a process, will help me to be a better healer. It's given me a deeper understanding of what those I help have undergone and that insight helps me to find ways to help them.
At first I was a Christian. I grew up Protestant and had a love of religion. I felt something pure when I prayed. But I always knew there was more to the world than what I could see and what I was taught. When I was 13 I heard about Wicca and Witchcraft and began reading about it. A light went on inside of me and I knew that was a path I was meant to follow.
After I got out of the Navy I found myself helping my friends, both spiritually and mundane. When I would help them, and even when I helped a stranger, I felt this intense feeling of good inside. I also found myself growing in ability and awareness.
Then the shit hit the fan when I remembered some very traumatic events that had happened in my childhood and teen years. Most of that is in this journal actually, as I wrote about what was going on in order to help me cope.
Last August I went and had my first reiki session. I figured it might be kind of cool. What happened was so transforming that it led me to get my attunement so I could help others with reiki.
Then after I moved here (October) I found myself suddenly very attracted to shamanism. I started reading about it and have journeyed quite a few times. What happened in those journeys not only helped me to heal myself from a lot of old wounds, but also allowed me to learn how to help others even more.
I feel that spiritually I've gone from the path of a Witch to that of a Shaman. I've combined a lot of what I've learned and I'm helping not only myself but others too. I still have a lot of self healing and learning before I would even think of taking on the title of a Shaman. But I'm headed there.
The result of all of this? I finally feel complete. I feel like I'm on the path I'm meant to take. I am whole and my path will lead me to be able to help more and more people. It's what I'm supposed to do and I welcome this path with open arms and a joyful heart.
I haven't written here in a while and my life seems to have changed drastically recently. Or perhaps it's just that I've only now fully realized the change. Either way, things are good.
I've found a way to work and still be a SAHM. Basically, I'm face painting at children's parties and will also be doing festivals in the area (as soon as I can find out how to get a vendor spot and where the festivals are). This is a business that I've started. Apparently I'm pretty good too. lol The kids love it, the parents love it, and I'm having fun. I only work on the weekends but that's OK. It's extra income and helps us to breathe a little easier which is what I wanted.
I'm more spiritual...again. When I was in my early 20s I was always doing something metaphysical or talking about spiritual things with friends. After Orion was born we moved from San Diego and while I still had such discussions, it slowly dissipated. Eventually my spiritual side became a footnote. Only talked about once in a while. Lately that's been changing. I'll write more about that in another post.
Physically there have been some changes too. I'm getting myself healthier. I still have issues but I'm working on them. I'm quitting smoking and finding it oddly easier (though right now I kind of want one). I'm eating way healthier (and not going off the deep end like in the past...balanced meals). I feel good!
Mentally I'm going really well. I'm happier, but not in a crazy manic way. I just feel very content with my life. My past and all the horrors of it aren't affecting me. I've learned to move on, to accept what's happened, and to leave it in the past. I even feel love for my father again, something which I never thought would happen. I just don't hate or fear him anymore. I can't tell you how liberating that feels!
I also realized something the other day. All that talk about trying to become a certain way. The dreams I had of the woman I want to be. Well, those dreams have come true. I can't write everything on here. But I have become who I've wanted to be for so long. I love it. I feel so alive inside and I feel complete and whole. I've reached a point in my life where even when things don't go according to plan, I'm still me and still happy to be here.
Healing is a beautiful thing.