This morning I did a shamanic journey to find help for dealing with all of this anxiety and stress. The answers I received showed me that this is something I have to learn how to handle. I have a reason for being so stressed out. I need to learn how to cope with such stress while not letting it rule my life.

I was told to utilize my inner strength and to practice being mindful of my thoughts, emotions, and actions. Take deep breaths when I start to get that high anxiety low tolerance feeling. It's easier said than done but I know I can do it.

Dealing with such intense emotions is something I don't deal with well. My children are the same way and it's why they have so many issues. If I can learn to control my behavior better, then I can take what I've learned to teach them how to handle theirs. Everything for a reason.

I talked with Kieriana this morning before she left for school and explained to her that I was stressed out and that's why I had been yelling so much. At her school they taught her how to use a coping word. When she starts freaking out someone says the word and she relaxes. It sort of snaps her out of it. Her word is "butterflies" and it's really been working. We decided mine will be "monkeys". Whenever I start to get agitated someone can say "monkeys" and it will remind me to get control of myself before I start turning into super bitch.

I can handle this. I've dealt with worse things than this. I can deal with this too.

I haven't posted in a while. At least it feels that way. The past few days I've been on edge. Just generally angry at everyone and anxious about everything. Then I realized, I'm also seriously craving chocolate. Geee....wonder what's coming....

I'm really nervous about this fair that I'm going to be face painting at on Saturday. I just want my booth to be perfect and it feels like everything is falling apart. I have a lot to do to prepare and I'm so overwhelmed that I feel like I'm going to explode. lol

I need to just relax. Everything will be fine. I'm getting myself all worked up for nothing. This happens every time I start trying to do something to make money. I reach a point where the dream I had is becoming a reality and I freak out. That inevitably leads to failure. I won't let that happen this time. I'm determined to get it right. Do it right. And just have fun with it. It doesn't have to be perfect. Just good.

I'm going to try to sleep. It's way too early/late to do much right now.

I a person's lifetime they can have many spiritual awakenings. They're points in your life where your spirituality takes a giant leap forward and you're left with a deeper understanding of yourself and the world around you.

In my life I've had many such awakenings. I've come to realize that they're all driving me to the same goal, though the true meaning of that goal is still hidden. I may not know where I'm going to end up, but I know it's a good place and that I'm being led there by a higher Divine power.

A lot of what I've experienced in my life--good and bad, spiritual and mundane--has led me to the point I'm at right now. The painful parts of my past has led me to have a deeper understanding of the amount of pain a person can go through. The beautiful and joyous parts of my life have led me to see how happy a person can be, and many ways to achieve that happiness. The illnesses I've experienced also give me a deeper understanding into what it's like to be sick and why while some people would give anything to get better, others would rather stay at least a little sick/injured a little while longer. ...The list goes on...

I've come to realize that for now at least my path is that of a healer. On one of my favorite shows a character said that a doctor should be shot or cut on so they know what their patients go through. While I don't think that something that drastic NEEDS to be done, I believe that the good and bad things that happened to me, and the healing I've undergone as a process, will help me to be a better healer. It's given me a deeper understanding of what those I help have undergone and that insight helps me to find ways to help them.

At first I was a Christian. I grew up Protestant and had a love of religion. I felt something pure when I prayed. But I always knew there was more to the world than what I could see and what I was taught. When I was 13 I heard about Wicca and Witchcraft and began reading about it. A light went on inside of me and I knew that was a path I was meant to follow.

After I got out of the Navy I found myself helping my friends, both spiritually and mundane. When I would help them, and even when I helped a stranger, I felt this intense feeling of good inside. I also found myself growing in ability and awareness.

Then the shit hit the fan when I remembered some very traumatic events that had happened in my childhood and teen years. Most of that is in this journal actually, as I wrote about what was going on in order to help me cope.

Last August I went and had my first reiki session. I figured it might be kind of cool. What happened was so transforming that it led me to get my attunement so I could help others with reiki.

Then after I moved here (October) I found myself suddenly very attracted to shamanism. I started reading about it and have journeyed quite a few times. What happened in those journeys not only helped me to heal myself from a lot of old wounds, but also allowed me to learn how to help others even more.

I feel that spiritually I've gone from the path of a Witch to that of a Shaman. I've combined a lot of what I've learned and I'm helping not only myself but others too. I still have a lot of self healing and learning before I would even think of taking on the title of a Shaman. But I'm headed there.

The result of all of this? I finally feel complete. I feel like I'm on the path I'm meant to take. I am whole and my path will lead me to be able to help more and more people. It's what I'm supposed to do and I welcome this path with open arms and a joyful heart.

Namaste.

I haven't written here in a while and my life seems to have changed drastically recently. Or perhaps it's just that I've only now fully realized the change. Either way, things are good.

I've found a way to work and still be a SAHM. Basically, I'm face painting at children's parties and will also be doing festivals in the area (as soon as I can find out how to get a vendor spot and where the festivals are). This is a business that I've started. Apparently I'm pretty good too. lol The kids love it, the parents love it, and I'm having fun. I only work on the weekends but that's OK. It's extra income and helps us to breathe a little easier which is what I wanted.

I'm more spiritual...again. When I was in my early 20s I was always doing something metaphysical or talking about spiritual things with friends. After Orion was born we moved from San Diego and while I still had such discussions, it slowly dissipated. Eventually my spiritual side became a footnote. Only talked about once in a while. Lately that's been changing. I'll write more about that in another post.

Physically there have been some changes too. I'm getting myself healthier. I still have issues but I'm working on them. I'm quitting smoking and finding it oddly easier (though right now I kind of want one). I'm eating way healthier (and not going off the deep end like in the past...balanced meals). I feel good!

Mentally I'm going really well. I'm happier, but not in a crazy manic way. I just feel very content with my life. My past and all the horrors of it aren't affecting me. I've learned to move on, to accept what's happened, and to leave it in the past. I even feel love for my father again, something which I never thought would happen. I just don't hate or fear him anymore. I can't tell you how liberating that feels!

I also realized something the other day. All that talk about trying to become a certain way. The dreams I had of the woman I want to be. Well, those dreams have come true. I can't write everything on here. But I have become who I've wanted to be for so long. I love it. I feel so alive inside and I feel complete and whole. I've reached a point in my life where even when things don't go according to plan, I'm still me and still happy to be here.

Healing is a beautiful thing.

I want to work. Yes, I know that being a mom and taking care of the house is work. But I want to contribute to the family financially. But, alas, it seems that being a Mom is all I can do at the moment!

Both of my kids are classified as special needs. Orion has ADHD and PDD. Kieriana has PDD and is bipolar (yes, a 6 yr old with bipolar). Orion's reached the age where special ed is no longer needed. He does fine in a "regular" class. Keiriana on the other hand seriously needs special ed. Academically she's fine. It's just that she doesn't do well when emotional.

Every week I'm called to the school once or twice. And on days like today I have to bring my kids home early (yes, today it was for both of them...a double whammy). With such an unpredictable schedule there is no way I can hold down a job. I would get fired before completing my first month.

I was going to start a reiki business. That's on hold because I can't guarantee that I'll be able to see a client.

I was going to work from home as a comic book artist but turned that down because of how much attention the kids need.

Kieriana was even kicked out of the boys and girls club because of her difficulties (I'm sorry but we can't have your daughter in our program anymore. We're just not equipped to handle her.) Orion hated being there so I dis-enrolled him too.

I am so stressed. I want to be able to take care of my kids. I love them and I'm doing everything i can for them. But we need the extra income.

Oh...and don't forget that I've stopped studying for HHP since we can't afford it. And I was offered a job and had to turn that down too. Damn it!

I've been so blah lately. I don't want to do anything. I'm pretty sure I'm going into a depression. I'm just so down. I think my problem is that I think too much. And it seems as though everything in my life is falling apart around me.

I keep on making plans for things. Always with the plans and the lists. I want to do too much. That's the problem. I've tried cutting things down a bit. Like the animation thing. I really wanted to do it...or a comic. But either way I can't. i feel down about that. Then there's the HHP thing. And my art...

I haven't studied. I haven't drawn. I did finally make the kids their garb...but both outfits came out crappy. I just want to curl into a little ball and not exist. But alas I have responsibilities that need to be taken care of.

I think after the birthday party that Kieriana's going to I'll draw. That always puts me in a good mood.

I figured out how to keep myself sane. Yesterday I was so depressed after my post. I realized just how overwhelming everything can be. I tried to figure out how to get everything I want and need to do into one day and it's just not feasible. Then today I had an "ah ha" moment.

Instead of trying to do everything in one day, I can designate one day a week to each thing, with some other things thrown in. I mean, there's not enough time in one day but there is enough time in one week.

Monday:
Cleaning day. This is when the bulk of the week's cleaning will be. Mostly laundry which seems to pile up. To keep from getting burned out by it I'll do the cleaning in 15 min. increments. The time where I'm not cleaning I can set up things for Reiki or art.

Tuesday:
Art day I. I can work on my artwork all day. Since the kids are at school till 2:20 that will give me plenty of time to work on it. Plus, I can do some light cleaning in the morning to keep up with everything. Figure if I start working on my artwork at about 10 am, then I'll have 4 hours to draw.

Wednesday:
Free day. Because the kids will always have a half day on Wednesdays I can have it as a free day. Maybe do something fun with the kiddies. Again, some light cleaning while they're at school and maybe a bit of either art or studying between cleaning and the kids getting home. A good day for projects.

Thursday:
Study day. Once again, light cleaning in the morning. Then 4 hours of studying. it's not much but it's better than nothing.

Friday:
Catch up. If I have a commission to do then I'll work on my art. If I don't then I'll study. Cleaning too.

Weekends:
Have fun.

I'm so stressed. I have a ton of stuff I need to do on a regular basis and about 20% of it is actually getting done. On top of that money is tight. I need to work. Unfortunately I can't necessarily do that. The kids aren't in school full time yet. When they are they'll be in school from 7:30 to 2:10 Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and from 7:30 to 12:10 on Wednesday. I had put them in the Boys and Girls club which runs from the end of school until 6 pm. But no. Kieriana got kicked out because of her temper and Orion today started crying that he didn't want to go anymore because he hates it there.

So if I were to work someplace really close it would have to be from 7:45 till 1:50 with the exception of Wednesdays. No one would give me a job for 6 hours 4 days a week.

I would love to be a full time reiki practitioner. I have a reiki table and sheets for it. I could do reiki on people in their homes while the kids are in school. Before I can do that I would need to get a business license and find clients. I have a plan for that. There are places where I can advertise. i can also volunteer through the San Diego Reiki Corps at a local hospital as well. That could potentially bring in clients.

My plan is that while I'm studying to be a holistic health practitioner I can have a mobile reiki business. Then add HHP to it and then study to be a master herbalist. After that I can study to be a nutritional consultant. Create my own holistic wellness business, still going to people's homes. Eventually I would like to open up a clinic.

I have a few friends who may be able to watch the kids if I can't be here for them due to a session I need to do. So that's worked out. I would pay them $20 to watch the kids (I'm going to charge $65 an hour). So some of what I get will go to them, some to gas, and the rest to be saved or to go towards bills.

On top of this I would like to start working on my artwork again. I have 3 people who are interested in commissions. One of which I need to have done next month. The other two are saving up for theirs. I also need to rebuild my portfolio. I changed my art name and have almost nothing under the new name. I could keep it as it was, J. L. Cochran (which sounds more like an author than an artist) or just go with Jayelle Cochran which is more artsy.

So, there are 4 things I HAVE to start doing regularly:

1. Clean
2. Study for HHP
3. Work on artwork
4. Get reiki business up and running.

On top of this I have:

5. Work on RIFTS campaign (easy, can be done here and there)
6. Create drawings for the project (will be either an animated web series or a web comic...not sure which yet)
7. Sew garb for the kids (needs to be done before Saturday)
8. Work out

I also need to have time to do certain things. Like take care of the kids (can never be put off after all), have a social life of some sort (I'm fine with hanging with friends once or twice a week), and find some time just for relaxing (which I do for an hour or two after the kids go to bed).

I need to start doing all of this asap. I just look at my lists and I get all overwhelmed. In the end I wind up doing some cleaning and maybe some research and that's it. For example, I've had the material for the garb for 2 months now. Not a single stitch sewn.

*sigh* I need to set a schedule but the only problem is that whenever I do that nothing goes according to plan.

ARG!!!

I have no motivation lately. I didn't realize it at first because I felt I was pretty busy. Today, however, I had some time for reflection. I'm busy, but I'm busy planning things. Not doing them. There is a bunch of stuff that I need to take care of that I just haven't done. I'll mess around on the computer, clean, or play Skyrim. But everything else sort of falls away.

1. I need to start on my HHP license. I'm paying for the courses. Might as well do them. I've been slacking on that for a few months.
2. I need to sew garb for Frankie, the kids, and myself. Every weekend I tell myself I'll do it and every weekend I don't. The next Ren event is on Saturday and while Frankie and I have some garb, the kids have none. I know they really want to dress like Medieval times. I've had the material since November.
3. A friend of mine has been asking for 2 years for a drawing from me. After the move I couldn't find my good charcoal and graphite pencils. I bought some more but haven't even begun to work on it.
4. I need to get my business license for the reiki practice I want to start. I also need to join the San Diego Reiki Corps and begin volunteering at a local hospital. Both of which will get me clients. I haven't done anything towards that. I also need to get my master attunement still.
5. I want to work on a web series with some friends. It's going to be animated. I need to work on the characters and figure them out. Unfortunately I haven't done anything about it except talk about it.
6. I need to start doing daily reiki sessions on myself, meditate at least once a week, and journey. I have been neglecting not only those but also haven't done anything spiritual since Samhain.
7. I need to sign Kieriana up for Girl Scouts. I did sign her and Orion up for Boys and Girls Club but she got kicked out. Girl Scouts might be a good idea. It's not expensive to do here. I just haven't called the woman I'm supposed to yet.

I can go on but those are the main things. I just have no motivation to get things done. It's not that I'm overwhelmed with all the stuff I have planned. I mean, I even found a way to fit it all in to my schedule. But every time I need to do something I find myself doing nothing. It's driving me mad!

I'm constantly upset at the state of my home. It feels like I spend all day on the computer and do nothing around the house. I decided to change that. A little belated resolution. I'm going to work at keeping the house clean.

Each day I'm picking a task that needs to be done. Then I go an do it in 15 min. increments. For 15 min I clean, for 15 min I relax, repeat. It's amazing how much I'm able to do in just a few hours doing this. And unlike other times when i try to clean, I'm not getting burned out.

Today is laundry. We have a pile of clean laundry sitting on the floor of my bedroom. Plus a ton of stuff that plain old needs to be washed. I'm totally focusing on that and after 2 hours I'm almost done with it all (except for what needs to be washed...still working on that...)

I feel good. Like I'm accomplishing something. Go me!